The Light At The End Is Brighter Than It Used To Be

Song: Brighter...Patent Pending

So, there's been some big things going on personally lately. For one, I painted my nails today and the color is freaking amazing. I know, huge.

But honestly, there has to be some kind of mental and/or spiritual change going on inside me. Last Wednesday I had a 4.5 hour clinic shift. It sucked, as usual. I really dislike being in the clinic. I've known that since I started.

What I did realize clearly at the end of said shift, however, is the fact that I do not want to be a massage therapist.

 I just don't. It doesn't make me happy, plain and simple. I was "good at it" in the beginning but the fact of the matter is that now, I'm not. My touch is still good, I have no doubt about that. I can make someone feel really good. But I haven't advanced farther than energy and relaxation. And that alone does not make me happy anymore. I'm far, far from passionate about any of it. Helping people is awesome, but there are so many things about this business that I don't enjoy and that don't fulfill my... I don't even know what, but they're not fulfilling. The revelation in itself isn't indicative of this internal change, but the way I handled it. As soon as I realized it, I was okay with it. I just accepted it. I learned what I didn't want to do. It sucks, but the journey was a valuable one. I learned a new skill, but more importantly, I learned through massage school how important my own spiritual development is to me. I've begun the process of finding myself with a good foundation.

So what now?

I finish out the program. I plug away until February, take the certification exam, and finish. Continue working my minimum wage job that I actually LOVE, that DOES make me happy (and yes, I've gotten over the fact that it's pretty meaningless and inconsequential in the grand scheme of life and the world), do some relaxation  massage on the side as outcalls and such, and uh...yeah. I don't know. Save up for the next thing. Go to Specs Howard? Work my way up in Panera? Continue on in Feng Shui? There are all kinds of possibilities. For now I'll just go with the flow and hope that can get me financially to where I need to be in six months. If it doesn't, I'll have no choice but to move back to the W with my mom and sister, which is a whole other thing in itself). I could be scared, but if that does happen, it'll be another part of the journey to go along with. Another happening to change me and help me grow.

Life, man. You know?

Thanks for listening.

Supersonic Overdrive

Song: Le Disko...Shiny Toy Guns

Start feeling shitty, go make a blog post.

I've been on a sort of life high for the past few days. I started reading about astral projection and feeling really spiritually driven to find something, do something, strengthen myself. Now, as I've just come home from an exhausting and irritating closing shift after yesterday's ten hours, I'm feeling something of a comedown. I hope that it's just the slight lack of sleep coupled with the unusually large amount of hours I've been working lately.

I haven't been able to have a lucid dream for a while, and that frustrates me more than a little but not extremely. Patience, on a larger scale, is something I have to work on. I need to get more sleep so that my brain has less recuperation to do during sleep. And here I am, blogging when I have to get up at seven tomorrow.

There have been a lot of thoughts lately running through my brain that are so recurring it's annoying and tiring just to think them. "DO NOT eat that." "Don't dwell on it, it's done. Move on." Over and over, as I continue to eat and eat, and dwell and dwell. So often I feel like a failure not in the world, but to myself. And you know, I think that's just as bad, if not worse. I consider myself to be at least relatively secure about my physical self, but actually liking myself as a person inside, or, dare I say it, loving myself, seems so...impossible.

If anybody has got any resources or anything relating to Buddhism, astral projection, etc. I would really appreciate if you'd share it with me. I need something to cling to. I don't want to think about dying all the time again. It's been a nice little while without that.

Shit, why am I crying again? I need to go to bed.

Someone give me something to write about next time besides my goddamn self.

Don't Drop That Thun Thun Thun

I just want to smoke and dance myself into oblivion.

I'm not actually listening to Don't Drop That Thun Thun by Finatticz. We were dancing to it at work.

I don't really know why I decided to blog tonight. LOL I JUST TYPED BLOW INSTEAD OF BLOG BY ACCIDENT HAHAH BLOW GET IT LIKE WHAT YOU DO TO GET A BALLOON FILLED UP WITH AIR

I'm in that mood where I feel an intense desire to make something beautiful. I always think of all these beautiful things that can't be realized due to lack of funds and skill and time.

If you could have one thing for yourself, one wish just for you, not "end world hunger" or "make the people I love truly happy", but something just directly yours, what would you have? I would be in movies. I'd be the beautiful thing I always want to create.

On a completely different note, I really would like to try hallucinogenic drugs at some point in my life. The draw I feel to them is so strong and so much more than just looking to get high and see pretty colors. I want to discover things about the world. I want to open myself up, let the universe into my mind and fully expose myself to what it wants me to understand. Connection to the very earth we stand on...connection to every interdependent strand of existence.

Swiggity swee-em-tee I'm comin' for that DMT. -_-

That being said, I feel drained and confused in my present and feeble state of mind. Today my being is quiet and I am yearning for something I don't comprehend.

The Best

I feel like there is this little part deep inside me that is content with the present and excited, hopeful, and optimistic about the future. It's just bogged down by regret and wishing for things and hating myself.
That being said, I would like to share my last couple of days with everyone, because they were great.

On Thursday, Jake came over which would have made the day by itself. But he had told me we were going on a date and wouldn't tell me where. So, he shows up looking absolutely lovely and takes me to walk around downtown Ann Arbor. We went in a bunch of vintage/hipster/vintage shops and the bomb-assest 7/11 I've ever been in, as well as a two story CVS. We found another, better record store where we both found a bunch of things we liked and ended up buying a Mono vinyl (for him) and a Young the Giant vinyl (for me). We ended the  with Five Guys burgers and fries. After we got back, we listened to the aforementioned vinyls in the hot tub room and took a walk, all while having serious conversations about our lives. The next day we went to Ypsi, walked around EMU campus and took pictures. We got Subway on the way home and watched Dexter before he had to leave for work.

That all may not sound remarkable to you, but I haven't been that happy for that solid amount of time in a very long time. It was so nice.

I love you.

We Crave A Different Kind Of Buzz

Song: Royals...Lorde

I really like this song because it's got a really chill vibe and a really subtle fuck you craziness to it.

I was going to make another big post questioning life and feelings and whether anything is truly worth it and what really is going to happen after you die and where do babies come from and stuff but I'd really rather sleep away my problems for the next couple hours.

I guess I could probably start a running update about something that doesn't suck. I've been back on that lucid dream training life. Today I started reality checks. I plug my nose and try to breathe and pinch myself while asking if I'm awake or asleep. I'm excited and scared to see where this goes because I already feel really matrixy sometimes. I'll go somewhere and can't remember getting there, and sometimes have a foggy feeling that things are off, that they're not real for a little while at a time.

Last night was nice. We went to mongo and the drive-in and saw Wolverine and Grown Ups 2 and fought mosquitoes.


Alright, well, back to bed.

Oh, I also finally contacted a therapist. It's time. It's definitely time.

Here's a picture of some fancy ice cubes from tumblr

All I Find Are Faded Pictures From Some Distant Life

And I wish to God I could see your eyes.

Song: Daylight...Ron Pope

If you've ever wondered why I can write like a full blown genius (yuck yuck), but always capitalize every word of my titles and use ellipses between song titles and their artists, it was a conscious decision I made when I created this blog as an expression of the deep and complex feelings I have about the nature of this is my blog and I can make my own freaking rules about it. Magnets, bitch.

Once, a few years ago, I had an idea. Like most of my ideas, it never became anything real. I never fully pursued it. After learning about lucid dreaming, I was briefly determined to train myself into being able to completely control my dreams. At first, my intention was simply (or not so simply) to choose my dreams. I was infatuated with the idea of meeting celebrities, flying, befriending talking animals, eating mountains of oreos and chocolate chip cookie dough. For that couple of weeks, I looked forward to sleeping even more than I usually did as a lazy teenager. I thought about being on huge stages in front of millions, bouncing on the tops of clouds, breathing underwater. At first, that's all it was about.

Then, the idea -as if it wasn't a bit far fetched to begin with- developed into something even more akin to The Matrix movies. I began to think that if I was able to control my dreams so well that I knew I was dreaming, there had to be a way to stay there longer. Time, for anyone that has ever had a very good or a very bad dream, obviously works differently when you're sleeping. I thought that maybe I would be able to live out whole "days" in my dreams. Maybe I could "live" another "life". Maybe, by controlling my dreams to such an extent, I would be able to lose control. Maybe one day, I would be able stay forever.

My heart still breaks every day at how unattainable this is.


I was just sitting in my chair, staring at the wall, and wishing I could briefly see into the future. I wish I could know if things ever really do get better inside. What I mean is, are my feelings and outlooks going to change with the mere addition of years to my life? I know it's inevitable that the outside will change. I'll get a better job, I'll move out. The situation will improve, but will I? Will things always be this hard to deal with, will I always cry this much, will I always be dreading something, looking for answers to questions I don't fully comprehend, fucking WISH all the time for things that won't come, be tired, cold, sad fucking lonely regrets stuck down dark

You've Been Lied To, It's Already Inside You

Run, children! Run for your life!

Song: Run (I'm a Natural Disaster)...Gnarls Barkley

I just feel like Gnarls Barkley is grossly underrated. And that's all I'm going to say about that since I have posted something about GB on every social networking account I have in the past hour or so.